‘All you need is love? Love? Love is all you need?’ The voices hummed in my ear. They weren’t singing, they were asking. I know where I am and I don’t want to open my eyes.
“How does that feel?” asked a voice that was not Leo. It was Dr. Ethan Rogers, my physical therapist. He was a younger man; late twenties, early thirties, with blond hair and blue eyes- the most all-American soldier you could ever hope to meet. And he was massaging my naked thigh with a vibrator.
I know I’m hard, and I know what he’s about to do next.
“I’m going to put this inside you,” he said in a most professional tone.
I could have attacked him, punched him in the face, or at the very least or at least said no. But it felt so good. I knew my scar tissue was prominent. It was a disgusting crater that ran along the entirety of my leg. I stayed in shape, my body was lean, muscular but that seemed all for show. I needed to look the part of a soldier, maybe if I was lucky I would be able to pass my physical. My legs were for running, training. My cock was for pissing. My ass was for shitting.
It had been months since I allowed myself to feel sexual pleasure. The sensation quickly became intense as I surrendered myself to his touch. “I think I’m gonna come,” I muttered, unaware I had said the words out loud.
“Then do it. Just relax, let yourself go.”
I can feel his mouth. He’s sucking me off while fucking my ass. Damn it feels incredible. My open on their own, staring straight into the blinding room light. The bulb is blinking forcing me to blink. Letters form in the shape of the light. ‘L-U-S-T.’ Yeah, I guess so. But it wasn’t a lust for sex.
I feel him inject my leg. It feels like a cool wave of tranquility.
My abs are covered in cum.
“I can get you a prescription for morphine, maybe even fentanyl. All you have to do is submit to me.”
“I can do that.” I jumped headfirst down the rabbit hole.
I was physically fit. He could rent me out to anyone who had a fantasy of forcing their daddy to suck their dick. Over the next year and a half, I lived as a fuckboy sex-slave.
I was bound, gagged. I sucked cock on the weekends and even let men fuck me in my on-base housing. I was a human party favor, but I was always well compensated.
I took pills and shot up in my hands just because no one else seemed to notice my hands.
Until the day my heart stopped.
I awoke in Alyssa Blake’s room, on her sofa. “Wow, you fucked up.” The general looked like her actual youthful age. Her long blonde hair was pulled into a messy bun.
“Aly?” I tried to speak but immediately had to vomit.
General Blake had a bucket waiting by the side of my head. “You’re going to stay here for a while.” She placed a cold washcloth to my neck focusing on my artery. “This is going to help with the pain in your chest.”
I shook my head. “M-My leg.”
“You’re not the only one living with chronic pain.” She took my hand a placed it on her hip, just below her abs. There was a massive scar. I knew the story; she had been shot in the hip; the bone and surrounding tissue had to be rebuilt. This was likely the reason for her later miscarriage. “I’m not giving you anything for your leg. You’re likely going to have a seizure from all the drugs you took.”
I tried to move, to sit up- anything. But the pain seemed to course through my body. I wanted to cry or scream, but no sound was coming from my parched throat.
I gripped my head as a massive migraine pounded my vision. I didn’t even notice Alyssa leave and return with a blanket and cuddle by my side. “I’m going to stay with you.”
“Talk to me about Cece.” Alyssa put her arms around me as she rested her head on my chest.
I knew what this was: the opposite of lust. “She’s a dancer.”
“I think my wife has her in gymnastics and cheerleading but she…” I swallowed hard thinking about the last time we talked. Cece asked if she could send me a link to a video of her ballet recital. She loved ballet, she wanted to be a choreographer. She sent the link but my Alaska internet was too weak to see it without an extensive amount of buffering. And the camera had been placed so far back I could barely make out her face. I told her as much, but that I would love to see her dance someday.
“Have you seen any of her performances?”
I nodded. “C-Can I have some water?”
“Sure.” Allyssa turned away, attempting to sit up.
Try as a might, my arms wouldn’t let her go. “I feel sick. But, more than anything, don’t want to cry in front of my commanding officer.”
Allyssa glared at me with a look of seriousness. “I found you in your room bleeding from your ass. I performed CPR until you were lucid enough to walk with your arm around my shoulder.” She only lived a few houses down and often visited.
I couldn’t remember making the walk to her house but it wouldn’t be the first time. I had the habit of dialing her number when I was too high to think straight. “My apologies Ma’am.”
She reached for my hand, stroking between my fingers. “If I was here as your commanding officer you would be in a hospital awaiting a medical discharge.” Her fingers paused on an open sore where I injected regularly. “I’m here as your friend because I know you need a friend.”
I knew she wasn’t wrong. “Thank you.”
“So, tell me about the time you saw your little girl dance.”
My hands were trembling as my eyes filled with tears. “She sent me a USB.”
“She sent you a file on a flash drive? Wow, that’s really sweet.”
“Cece had somehow used her phone to record a solo piece in her backyard. I didn’t recognize the song, something Gaelic sounding about finding your wings to touch the sky.” With the warm memory in my heart, my body relaxed.
“That’s from the movie Brave,” Allyssa said as she sat up. “I’m going to get you some water.”
Brave? of course it was.
Allysa returned with a bottled water and a straw. “Take small sips.” Once it appeared like I was not going to vomit again she took her place back on my chest, holding me close. “You need to go home.”
“I know.” I stroked her hair as I looked up at her stucco ceiling.
“You need to research a position closer to your family, and I will sign off on it.”
“Thank you.” Now I just wish she talked me out of driving down to the states. Maybe I wouldn’t have fucked up as badly as I did.
A lonely drive, six hours on the road, maybe eight. Behind the wheel of a rented SUV carrying all my worldly possessions, I thought I could keep focus, I thought I-
I opened my eyes, but all I see is darkness. “Leo, are you there?”
I could feel someone grab my hand, pulling me from the vehicle. It wasn’t Leo, but rather a younger male, possibly a teen.
“Wow, Leo was right, you are fucked up.” The kid pulled me out of the vehicle, seemingly indifferent to my level of pain. “You should grab your wallet and suitcase. We have a bit of a walk into town.
I did as he asked. I could recall what happened at this moment in time. While it did not include a Native American surfer-boy, I knew where we were headed.
“How long did you manage to stay clean for?” the boy asked.
I turned to him with a look of contempt. He stood maybe 5’9″, and although he had an attractive face and youthful demeanor, I would have no problem punching his lights out.
“Really, old man?” The boy laughed.
“Master Sergeant Adam Severgine,” I said with a groan.
“I know,” he said, happily, skipping down the road. “I’m Jamie. Welcome to Oklahoma.”
“How old are you? And where’s Leo?”
“Leo will meet us in town. And as for me-” Jamie did a backflip landing in front of my face, close enough to kiss my lips. “I’m legal.”
“Are you a guardian angel too?”
“Are you asking if I have powers?”
“I am,” I replied through gritted teeth. I could remember how long the original walk took me. By the time I got to town, my leg was killing me.
“That’s not why you got high off your ass.”
“Oh, fuck you!”
“You got clean just long enough to pass a physical, for the job transfer. And then you started using again like the fucked-up junkie that you are!” Jamie continued doing flips and cartwheels down the empty road.
I focused on my own path looking down at my boots as I walked. My leg was mostly healed, to the point where I could walk unassisted, I could even drive. But I still felt an ache, a chronic pain that would never go away no matter what drugs I took.
Jamie appeared in front of me, lifting my face to look into his eyes. “I’m bored and I miss my boyfriend so I’m going to do you a favor.”
I awoke on the floor of a casino. And I do mean floor: I awoke to the sight of paramedics. They had apparently just finished restarting my heart.
When I looked straight ahead, sitting at a slot machine was Jamie. The little punk was doubled over in laughter.
Leo stepped out of the shadows. He raised a finger giving the ‘give me a second’ sign. He hugged Jamie, calming him down. When Jamie finally stopped laughing, the couple walked to the elevators.
A tall older man, in a suit, came over to check on the scene. He was the hotel manager and a former Marine. We talked for a while, with me telling him my situation. He kindly offered to give me a room for the night, free of charge. It was the least he could do for a fellow soldier.
Yes, it was only for one night. I could contact the rental agency and they could send a new car to my location. But until then he offered to buy me dinner and give me a tour of the hotel and casino.
Everything was going great. After hanging out with my new friend I took a seat at one fo the many the table poker tables.
I was by no means an expert but I preferred tables, to computer-generated games of chance. That was when I met Lola. She looked like a typical cocktail waitress, just a few years away from retirement. She was possibly old enough to be my mother (either that or she had just spent to much time in the sun,) but she was undeniably beautiful. She made sure to flirt, playing with her long blonde hair as she brought me free drinks.
“Drink up,” she said, before taking a shot. She cupped my face, forcing the shot of whiskey down my throat. “It’s on me, love.” Next thing I knew she was on my lap. I was winning hand after hand; she was truly my good luck charm. When I was too drunk to walk she offered to escort me to my room.
I remember collapsing on to the bed. I could feel her hands, her long nails, then her mouth. When I was ready, she started to ride me. Talking dirty in a way that my wife never did, I gave her full control. she got on her knees and wanted me to fuck her from behind. I did, and what was when a man barged in with a master key. It was the manager.
My memory is blacking in and out but I remember him getting on the bed. He and Lola are laughing. They offer me cocaine.
The next morning, I awoke to the sight of Lola in my bed. Her naked chest was moving, so I had no immediate reason to panic.
Jamie stood in the corner wide-eyed. “Wow, I was raped to death by a demonic cult and even I found that disturbing.”
Leo walked through the wall to strand at Jamie’s side. “And this isn’t even the worst of it.”
I tried to sit up but my body hurt. “Why the fuck are you even here?” Just my luck, I had a pair of fuck-boy morons for guardian angels.
Leo sighed. He approached the bed, stroking Lola’s hand. “You can’t change the past.” He made a turn to the closet, grabbing my phone from my pocket. “But you can choose your future.”
I was lucid enough to move my arm and unlock my screen. I had wi-fi. I clicked on my email. it was open to a message from Cece, starting with a link that I had never seen before. “Greed.mov?”
Leo shrugged. “You should probably take a look.”
I clicked. There was Cece in her blue dress, sitting on her bed. “Hi, Dad. I’m a little nervous. I really like Jason, and well, I wish you could have met him. He’s so much like you. He wants to join the Marines, travel the world. I mean, I guess I’d write to him. A lot of my friends are planning on getting married, so their boyfriends don’t cheat. It’s really stupid. Jason says he loves me, he wants to marry me. I’m pretty sure he justs wants to fuck me.” Cece looked down at her silver ring. It had belonged to my grandmother who passed away before Cece was born. I had given it to my daughter on her sixteenth birthday. It was only then, on that video, did I notice where she wore it. She wore it like a wedding ring: a purity ring.
Cece looked to the side, at her computer, to press a few keys. “I hope this will help my anxiety.” The music starts to play, it was a slow, Celtic, song. I watched as she moved her arms, in a graceful ballet pose. She appeared to be free-styling a dance piece, in her room, dancing on her bare feet. It was truly breathtaking. But why was the file titled ‘greed.mov’?
“I can’t wake up without you, Dad.” The voice was not coming from the phone.
I nearly screamed at the sight of Cece’s broken, bloody form.
Jamie put his arm around Cece, patting her shoulder. “Don’t worry, she’s still in a coma.”
The creepy, undead version of my daughter leaned her head on Jamie’s shoulder. She turned just enough to look at me with her dark, innocent, eyes. “When you rocked me to sleep, you would tell me stories. I think you assumed I couldn’t hear you or what I wasn’t paying attention.”
“You couldn’t even talk.” For the first two years, I was so nervous about being a father, that I would unload all of my horrific stories on to Cece like a verbal diary. she didn’t speak a word until she started preschool at age three and even then I never heard anything from her teachers about my stories.
“Knowing so much about your past is why I always had such respect for you.” Cece took a step forward, reaching out her hand. “I know what you saw, what you experienced. It made you the person you are.” When she came closer, her hand hit a glowing wall of energy. She nodded her head knowingly. We weren’t in the same space. “Jamie said you’re going to make your way back to me.”
I knew our time was short so I had only one question to ask. “Why greed?”
“You told me I was your treasure, I was everything you ever wanted.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“That wasn’t meant as an attack. Not at you, not ever.” Cece moved closer. She was able to sit on the bed, her hand caressing the fabric. Her moves were careful and deliberate.
I would have given anything to be able to touch her hand. I knew in my heart this wasn’t an illusion, this was my daughter.
Cece pursed her lips and continued, “There’s an old saying, ‘shoot for the moon, even if you fail you’ll be among the stars,’ well what happens when you reach the moon but it’s not the finish line that you thought it would be. You always want more, I did anyway. that’s why I let Jason go as far as he did. I thought I could have it all; I’d go to college and have a hot, long-distance boyfriend. maybe we’d meet up in Europe where I would audition for a ballet company. At least that’s what I thought.” Cece wiped tears from her eyes. “He was dating me as a practical joke. I was the nerdy-science geek who was also a dancer. The rumor was that I clearly wanted to be fucked, but my stern military daddy was keeping me inline.” She paused for a moment, looking into my eyes. “I guess he was half right. I knew Jason’s plan was to make me choose between you and him. And what’s really messed up is, I would have chosen him. I was greedy.” Cece took a few steps back, her form already starting to fade. “I miss you so much, Dad. Please come find me.”
Leo cracked his knuckles. “Well, this was fun but we have miles to go before we sleep. So-”
Jamie nodded, with a sigh, as Cece vanished.
Next, Leo turned to me, with hesitation. “This next part is going to hurt.”
“More than seeing my dying daughter?”
Leo clicked his tongue as he moved to Jamie’s side. “Adam, How much do you remember about your trip from Oaklahoma to Louisiana?”
“Do I remember who shot me and left me for dead int he Louisiana swamplands?” I clearly did not.
“Do you want to know?” Leo asked, twirling a lock of his rainbow hair. “I mean I’m supposed to show you, orders from the big boss,” he said, motioning towards heaven. “But i think it would be a little cruel.”
Jamie’s eyes lit up. “Can we just give him a summery? He’ll feel just as shitty but we won’t have to watch it!”
Leo pursed his lips, clearly trying to hide laughter. “Jamie…” Leo took a breath to calm down. “None the less you are correct. But to stay in line with the,” he made the pointing gesture again, “I’ll give him just enough to dwell on during our hike back to civilization.”
Jamie leaned against a wall as Leo stepped towards me. He crawled into bed, positioning himself on top of me like a snake. His long hair trickled against my face.”You good, Adam?”
“As good as I can be.”
“I’ll make this quick.” Leo closed his eyes.
I did the same. Oh, God.
More sex, drugs, a few suicide attempts. Luckily it would only last three weeks. I apparently went on a binge. I didn’t want to go home, and I knew why. My daughter was sick, but my wife… My beautiful, kind, wife, Marni-Lynn was a fucking whore.