Live to rise

As a few people may have noticed, I used to call myself Janitorgirl. But now I’m not.

Why? Because I got fired. 2017 sucked.

I came across an article recently about the Netflix show 13 Reasons Why. Basically, a Dad wants to ask Netflix very nicely to take the show down, since his daughter committed suicide. Well as all of the comments say, it will take a lawsuit because quite a few kids have committed suicide as the result of the book and show.

For those of you not familiar with the show, Hannah is a girl who was bullied to death. She leaves behind messages for 13 people including Clay who was one of the few people who were kind to her.

I believe the purpose of the show is to showcase Clay’s journey. Now that he knows what to look for, he will make sure no one has to suffer the way Hannah did.

But that is not what many people see. They instead see Hannah’s story which is the story of a girl who had nowhere to turn. So she took the only move she had left on the board.

I was inspired to make this post after coming across a video by MylifeasEva. At 22 (when this was made) she has already accomplished more then I will in my life. Including writing a memoir, which I have read. Long story short- nearly everything that happened to Hannah happened to Eva.

But what struck a cord was how she talked herself out of ending her life back when things were at their worst.

Like many of us, she didn’t have friends or family she could turn to. In fact, much like my parents (maybe it’s an ethnic thing), they got upset at her for being depressed.

Here are a few gems from my childhood-

“What do you mean you’re depressed? What do you have to be depressed about?”

“You don’t need to see a doctor, why can’t you talk to us, your parents?”

“If you seek help, you will be branded as mentally disabled for the rest of your life.”

(I wish I was kidding.)

Anyway, Eva found a way to go on living. She wrote down things she wanted. Little things like a garden or a white sofa or even gold bookends. When she was sad she would add to the list; random things that could come into her life at any time: things to look forward to.

After getting sober this year, I started counseling and the psychiatrist asked me; what is your goal,  what do you envision happiness looking like?

So I asked. “Do you ever watch the TV show Star?”

(happiness not pictured.)

There is one character, Jahil, who is a washed-up music producer. Out of the girl group that he managed in his 20’s; one girl OD’d leaving behind two kids, and other had his child but never told him. Now after almost getting killed (the cartel assassin accidentally murdered his god-son and girlfriend instead) he is back on drugs, but he’s also composing music.

Music is what he clings to. One episode after his baby’s mama/former best friend tells him to GTFO, he goes back to his trailer and does a few lines of cocaine.  His daughter checked in on him. She finds him working on his music and actually asks him about it (after comically knocking the remainder of the cocaine into the trash can.)

The beats were sampled from something his nephew in Miami had been working on. (A nephew she knew nothing about since she had only recently learned Jahil was her father.) The interaction resulted in a positive outcome, both parties beginning to understand each other a little more.

That’s what happiness is, one thing.

For me, it’s getting my first book self-published. It took two years and a great editor, but I am finally at the point where I am actually proud of what I created. (And when I actually start the self-publishing process I’ll add a link….)

My book is about a teen with cystic fibrosis who falls in love with a girl who was raped freshman year. The girl’s father is a disabled military veteran stuck in a violent, toxic marriage. So in addition to helping his girlfriend heal her soul, he must also find a way to save her father by offering up a support system to help him find the courage to stand on his own two feet.

Chronic illness, PTSD, physical abuse; all perfectly valid reasons to end it all. And yet they don’t. Each for their own reasons.

So, tell me about the one thing that matters. What is the one thing keeping both of your feet on this side of eternity?